Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
