After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
