Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
