Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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