I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
