swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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