My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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