We got so high we made milksteak
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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