Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
