just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
