I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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