I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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