I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
