he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
