My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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