Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
