my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
