Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
