I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
