im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize