So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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