my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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