Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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