The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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