Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize