we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
