fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
