hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
