Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
