i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
