either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
