cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
