when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
