My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
