Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
