Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
