yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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