someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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