I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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