Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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