Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
