You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
