Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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