I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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