I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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