This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
