can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
