some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
