Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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