Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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