i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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