No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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