so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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