8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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