Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
