how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
