I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
