I need help removing her.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
