I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize