you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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