Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
